Dear Diary

I usually write my diaries in secret. I hide them in secret. I put them in the most obvious places so that no one would doubt their confidentiality. Who would be interested in a notebook that looks so torn and is open for public? Nobody. Well, except for my nieces and nephews who always want some papers and pens. And always aiming for my things.

Of course I will not say everything I have in mind. However, 2017 has been a wonderful year. It is worth sharing or only worth writing about.

I graduated in January 2016 from Arts College at IUG. I took a semester break and then I joined the Master’s program and then I quit and then I joined Diploma in Education and then I finished that diploma and then I joined again the Master’s program – a different major from the first one.

Aside from all that, and all the ups and downs I went through. A major event happened just very recently that made the year worth living. I wore Niqab.

To a lot of people, such thing is not even listed in the book. Others think it is ‘too’ much. Family members found it unnecessary. No one truly understood why I wore it.

I always saw niqabis in the street and wondered, “What do they have and I don’t? What makes them so special to the extent that they got to wear niqab and I didn’t?”

Niqab is not a piece of cloth. It is anything but a piece of cloth. It is not to just ‘cover’ my face. To hide from the world.

To me, it is much more than that. A spiritual connection. A feeling.

The first time I wore it, three weeks ago, I felt that I was so free. I felt that I finally got one step further. I felt that I had so much within I wanted to feel concrete and I felt it. I felt it.

Yeah, in 2017 I did so many ‘awesome’ things. I worked at so many ‘awesome’ places. I went through so many adventures. I met a lot of people. But in November, I was born. The Nour I always wanted to become was born.

I do not think I could ever regret wearing the Niqab. For anything, it is because every time I go out,  I do not ‘carry’ the niqab with me or my face does not carry it. Quite the opposite, it carries me. It makes me feel happy and pleased.

I always wanted so many things. i usually got the things I wished for. I never felt this satisfied or happy.

The day my mom said yes I felt that it was a yes from Allah. He finally permitted my transformation.

To the world, it is a piece of cloth that covers the face. To me, it was a sign. A sign that there was still hope for me – with Allah. I will always be grateful for the sign. Alhamdulilah.

I believe, now more than ever. I believe.

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Strangers

Dear Stranger,

It is difficult sometimes to talk to people we expect to meet the following day, so we tend to look for wells that cannot speak out or answer back. I do that every single time I post something on my blog. Now I have to be more careful I guess. 

Life was never meant to be easy. It was a punishment, after all. But it is a short journey we must not overthink, overhate, or overexpect from. It is a short ride. Treat it that way.

Sometimes, we see a certain light. We think it is a sign, so we run after it. We chase after it. On the way, we build a whole world, a whole expected future with very minute details. We imagine the colors, the shapes, we imagine ourselves in frames and pictures. Then, we realize that it was not our light. Should we feel sad? of course. But it passes, like everything else does. But we also keep going. We should always keep going.

Hating people takes too much energy. That’s why I always just love them instead. Hatred consumes because it is against our true nature. The very few people I do not like make my soul weary whenever I remember them, so I tend not to. You can always feel indifferent though. Feeling indifferent is much more relaxing – to the mind and soul.

Others helped him so it is absolutely fine. 

Our societies are not what stop us from getting what we want. No. Societies, people, events, incidents, fights, quarrels, money – are just reasons for us as humans, with limited ability to see the future, to move on; to stop asking, “Why!” We just answer, “The stupid society”. These factors are there to offer us closures when a particular dream is not truly ours to achieve or reach. The society is not a barrier. The society plays a role in preventing what had been already decided not to come true. Why? Because Allah knows better.

We, people, think we know. We, people, think that we are sure. What we want is what is kheir. It is the right. thing. The. good. thing. I am sorry to break this to you: It is not. If it does not come true, it is not a good thing. It is hard to believe this because it goes against our emotions and dreams and wants and desires. But it is true. Despite all that, it is true.

Sometimes I get scared. This is my secret. I get scared because I don’t know what is going to happen. I do not know how the future – how tomorrow is going to be. I feel scared every time I realize that no matter what I do I will never be able to see the different possibilities of my future. However, I go back to my senses every single time I remember that Allah is taking care of everything. Who would be more Merciful than the Ever Merciful? My Creator? The One Who knows me better than I know myself?

We change. Our minds change. Our ideas change. What we think is going to be better for us now might not be good for us in the future. That is why some things do not come true. Because if things happen they cannot unhappen. He saves us the trouble of feeling miserable in the future for the choices we once made.

He knows better. We have our closures. We keep on until it is all over. It will all be over. That’s what matters.

Find Me

Open your eyes and see the world around you

Take your breath back and enjoy the view,

The ride, the climb, the wind and see

There will always be a way for you to run,

For you to hide from it all.

Right beneath a poisoned tree

You will find hope in the roots

Because whenever there is pain

And wherever there is a scar

There will always be some hope

For you to heal.

Pain is just a symptom of life

And there will always be a cure

You might not find it right away

But the right thing will come your way.

Wait not for the sky to rain

Turn the tap on, instead.

It will be cold, it will be hot,

But you will be prepared.

 

 

 

العودة إلى الدراسة! إثارة لا تنتهي

!عامٌ دراسيٌّ جديد

غالبًا ما يغمرنا شعور الإثارة عند الشروع بالعمل أو الدراسة، ولكننا سرعان ما نشعر بالملل. السؤال إذا: هل هناكَ نصائحٌ يُمكننا من خلالها تحدي السأم والضجر؟

!أجل

قد يُرددُ بعض الطلبة أن هذه المرة ستكون مثل المرات السابقة حيث نبدأ العام الدراسي بسعادة وعملٍ جاد وجهدٍ كبير ولكنّها مرحلة قصيرة الأجل ثم تبدأ مرحلة التكاسل والتعب. ولكننا نُؤكد لك أنّ هذه فرصةٌ جديدةٌ لك! اغتنمها واقضِ وقتًا ممتعًا هذا العام

أولًا، عليك أن تضع لنفسك أهدافًا واقعية تُسهم في تحفيزك للوصول حقًا، فمثلًا لا تقل “يجب أن أتقدم على الجميع” أو “يجب أن أحصد أعلى الدرجات”، بل حاول أن تقول “أريد في هذه السنة أن أقضيَ وقتًا ممتعًا” أو “أريد أن أشعر بالمتعة أثناء تعلمي”، وهذه أهداف أكثر فعالية، لماذا؟ لأن رحلة الوصول إلى القمة أجملُ بكثيرٍ من الوصول نفسه. فبعد بضع سنواتٍ من الآن وأثناء عملك في مكانٍ ما، لن تتذكر الدرجات التي حصلت عليها، ولكنك ستتذكر اللحظات الجميلة التي قضيتها وأنت تتعلم، والمتعة التي شعرت بها وأنت تُطبق الأشياء التي تعلمتها، هذه الذكريات كلها ستظلُّ محفورةً في قلبك للأبد، بل وفوائدها أعظم

تذكرأن التعلم أهم من الدراسة، وأنّه عند “تعلمك” ستشعر بإنجازٍ أكبر وستتحفز على المضي قدمًا، ليست الاختبارات محور الحياة، ولم تكن أبدًا محور الحياة، نحنُ نتعلم كي نصير أكثر نضجًا وأكثر إبداعًا ونستزيد من المعارف ما ينفعنا. افتح لنفسك المجال وستجدُ أنّك تطير في سماء العلوم وتسبح في بحار المعارف، تخلّص من القيود التي تفرضها على نفسك وسر نحو حرية التخيل والتطبيق

يحدثُ أحيانًا أننا نتكاسل أو نمر في ظروفٍ سيئة تؤثر على أدائنا، ولا يعني هذا أن نتقاعس بل أن نسعى أكثر ونبذل جهدًا أكبر. لا تسمح لنفسك بالوقوع في حيلة “لقد فات الأوان، فأنا تأخرتُ كثيرًا عن زملائي”. حدد المشكلة وانهض، عد إلى السباق، لم يُطلقوا الصفارة بعد

.تعثرت؟ اركض

. اذهب إلى المكتبة واشترِ ألوانًا مبهجة ودفتر ملاحظاتٍ لاصقة  – هذا حلٌّ سحريٌّ مجرّب، فهي كالحلوى تُزيّن الكتب وتجعلك تأكلها

!هذه حياةٌ واحدة وفرصةٌ واحدة: اغتنمها واستمتع في الرحلة

إن شعرتَ أنّك بحاجةٍ إلى المساعدة في التخطيط وتجهيز جدول الدراسة أو العمل يُمكنك التواصل معنا عبر صفحة الفيسبوك أو الإيميل، سنساعدك في اختيار أولوياتك وسنقدم لك النصائح التي من شأنها مساعدتك في الحصول على أفضل النتائج

!ندعو أن يكون لهذا التغيير أثرٌ إيجابي في حياتك

(lexicongaza@gmail.com)

 

Back to School? Keep the Fun Going!

 

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It is the beginning of a new school year!

We all feel excited when we are about to start doing something, but we, almost always, feel numb during the work itself. Are there any tips that could help us keep the excitement?

Yes!

While so many students believe that this could be like any other semester, when they begin happily and work hard but soon after start feeling bored; this could be your chance to begin fresh – and KEEP THE FUN GOING.

First of all, you need to set yourself some real goals. Such goals should not be like: “I need to be on top”, or “I need to get the highest grades”. A simple “I want to have fun” or “I want to enjoy what I am learning” can be way more effective. Why? Remember that it is the climb that matters and not the top itself. At work or some years after graduation, your moments of high grades will only last a while. However, the memories, the fun, the learning, the excitement; those are the things that will linger in your heart forever. The benefits will, of course, be greater.

When you learn -and not just study, you will feel more accomplished thus more enthusiastic about moving forward. It is not about tests; it is never about tests. It is about becoming a better person, more knowledgeable and more creative. You can do whatever you want if you allow your mind to go beyond the here and now. Let your thoughts break the cage of onlys and rush towards the freedom of everys.

If you are behind your classmates for whatever reason, work harder not less. Realize that you have fallen and that it is time to get up and get back on track. Do not let yourself be fooled by “it’s too late; I am already behind”. If anyone can do it, it is YOU!

Go to the bookstore. Buy some cool pens and sticky notes (think of it as dessert. It always works).

You only live once. Enjoy your ride!

If you need more help planning your time and schedule, you can contact us on our Facebook page or email (lexicongaza.com). We will help you set your priorities and offer you the advice you need to keep going.

May this be the year change serves you well!

 

 

At Least i Tried

https://soundcloud.com/nour-osama-el-borno/at-least-i-tried

It could be dark when it is early in the morning

Because sunlight never always tells the truth.

Our hearts wander in the shades of our hopes

As we wonder why we have been waiting for so long.

I hear your voice from a childish memory

When we tried to reach the sky of our dreams.

I remember the first step I made

Towards those playful arms –

I remember spinning around

And falling a few times.

There was always hope

In the middle of the dark;

There was always fear

In the middle of the day –

And it was then I knew

That nothing was what it seemed to be.

I fell and crawled a thousand miles

I tried to climb the mountains that kept us apart

I tried to sail the seas of the world

I always ended up in my room

Looking at the sky of our dreams.

It was nothing more than a wish

I knew would never come to me.

A Little More than Ours, and Less than a House

My grandmother’s house is going to be demolished so that a new life would be built there.

When we were told that they will open the family house for a final visit before the actual destruction of the house, my heart pounded so fast and almost ripped my cage apart. I did not know how I was supposed to feel. I did not know what I was supposed to say. All I wanted to do was to go there and walk through the same door – one more time, one last time.

I thought that if I go inside, I will see my grandmother sitting to the left, where her favorite couch lies. I looked, I looked so closely, but she was not there. It was a ripped couch that looked nothing like hers. I kept walking hoping she would be in the kitchen, where she cooked us delicious meals and made us yummy juice. She was not there, either. I thought she would be in her room. But that deserted room with no furniture and big heaps of dust was not hers.

I thought I would hold my tears. Because I am an adult and there were children there, my nephews and younger cousins. I closed my eyes and tried to recall the details. I wanted to feel ‘whole’ again.

That house meant everything to me, my siblings and cousins. We used to meet there regularly. We used to be children, burden-free, thoughts-free, pain-free. We were the kids. We were those creatures who had nothing to think about.

That was a long time ago.

Now we are the adults. Now we have to bear the feeling of a final farewell.

My grandmother’s house was not just a house. It had big arms that embraced so many memories, laughs, cries, hellos and farewells. That house made us one big family that loved each other and stayed together.

My grandmother died around 6 years ago, but knowing that the house will go down too makes it feel like her death is happening all over again. This time we won’t have anything solid to remind us of who we were as children, of our grandmother.

When we all went to visit the house and say goodbye, I believe the house was saying goodbye to us as well.

It was the house where our mothers lived; the house where our mothers built their memories – it was the house where our memories began.

The house will be down soon. It will disappear. We, too, will die eventually. But it has been a wonderful ride.

Some years are left for us – I hope this ride will end well, too.

And maybe – maybe, the grandchildren of today will live after us to write about us and their memories with us as well.

We left the house, but the house will always be a part of who we are. It will always be where our hearts hide, and our souls seek refuge.

الله يرحمك يا ستّي، ويجمعنا فيكِ عن قريب