I usually write my diaries in secret. I hide them in secret. I put them in the most obvious places so that no one would doubt their confidentiality. Who would be interested in a notebook that looks so torn and is open for public? Nobody. Well, except for my nieces and nephews who always want some papers and pens. And always aiming for my things.
Of course I will not say everything I have in mind. However, 2017 has been a wonderful year. It is worth sharing or only worth writing about.
I graduated in January 2016 from Arts College at IUG. I took a semester break and then I joined the Master’s program and then I quit and then I joined Diploma in Education and then I finished that diploma and then I joined again the Master’s program – a different major from the first one.
Aside from all that, and all the ups and downs I went through. A major event happened just very recently that made the year worth living. I wore Niqab.
To a lot of people, such thing is not even listed in the book. Others think it is ‘too’ much. Family members found it unnecessary. No one truly understood why I wore it.
I always saw niqabis in the street and wondered, “What do they have and I don’t? What makes them so special to the extent that they got to wear niqab and I didn’t?”
Niqab is not a piece of cloth. It is anything but a piece of cloth. It is not to just ‘cover’ my face. To hide from the world.
To me, it is much more than that. A spiritual connection. A feeling.
The first time I wore it, three weeks ago, I felt that I was so free. I felt that I finally got one step further. I felt that I had so much within I wanted to feel concrete and I felt it. I felt it.
Yeah, in 2017 I did so many ‘awesome’ things. I worked at so many ‘awesome’ places. I went through so many adventures. I met a lot of people. But in November, I was born. The Nour I always wanted to become was born.
I do not think I could ever regret wearing the Niqab. For anything, it is because every time I go out, I do not ‘carry’ the niqab with me or my face does not carry it. Quite the opposite, it carries me. It makes me feel happy and pleased.
I always wanted so many things. i usually got the things I wished for. I never felt this satisfied or happy.
The day my mom said yes I felt that it was a yes from Allah. He finally permitted my transformation.
To the world, it is a piece of cloth that covers the face. To me, it was a sign. A sign that there was still hope for me – with Allah. I will always be grateful for the sign. Alhamdulilah.
I believe, now more than ever. I believe.