The Night that Never Happened & Always Repeats Itself

At some point, we will look around us and, unfortunately, within us and feel very blurry about everything. It is not doubt, it is never doubt. It’s something deeper and worse. It’s the hollowness we have been so afraid of. The bogyman under the bed. The shadow that hunts us when the lights are off. The fragments whose edges are too sharp that they keep pricking our chests and the internal side of the flesh.

Life is not difficult. It’s pretty simple, which is why we are all just so miserable. We are miserable because we know how easy it is and how hard we make it seem. Every single day is a fight. It’s a fight against sadness, a fight against other humans – who love, just love making our days pretty horrible, a fight against hardships, and, worst of all, a fight against ourselves.

Usually we sit around hoping for a beam of light, something that would shake us into a world of – hope. We drag our bodies at a late hour to sit by the window, any window as long as it’s in a spot far from others. And we sit there. We look up. We look up. And hold the iron bars that are protecting us from falling. And break down in tears and break down in so much pain and break down in so much helplessness. And our hands surround the iron bars. They suffocate the iron bars. We cling so hard to the iron bars and scream silently to the only One listening. We let it all out. All what we have been hiding from the world. We just let it out. And He hears us. And after the tears. And the sobs. And the racing heartbeats. And the coughs. And the looking for napkins. After all of that. We look up. And we see how big the sky is. How small the stars are. How shiny the moon is. And we inhale so much fresh air. And our eyes, now swollen, start to close slowly, and we blink couple of times. And we end it with a begging ‘please’ and a strong ‘Amen’.

We go to sleep. In hope for a dream. A sign. And wake up feeling stupid. It’s not how it goes. It takes more than a dream. A sign. We wear our masks.

We embrace a new day, like last night never —-.

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