With devoted looks come the need for greater inner devotion
As a child who was born and raised in a family that fully believes in Allah and His commandments, I grew up to be internally healthy and sound. As we grow older, things in life happen that bring us closer to Allah. For those unfortunate, those things drift them away from Him. My father’s martyrdom when I was 1.5 years old made me realize at a young age that there exists a God and that He is One. I remember how I always counted on Him and turned to Him, considering the fact that I was fatherless and brotherless.
The best parts about who I am were because of my mother, who spared no efforts to raising me and my sisters the best way possible. I am the youngest of my two sisters. When they wore hijab for the first time, they were around 13 or 14, I was back then 8 or 9. I remember how jealous I felt to see them wearing their hijab to school while I would go without one. I remember thinking how awesome they looked in those white scarfs. My mother, alhamduliah – God bless her, allowed me to wear one to school too. Our neighbors told her that I was too young, but she insisted that she would not stop me from doing it since that was a good, virtuous seed to plant in a child.
According to my mom, I used to wear the white scarf to school and go home with it off and entirely blackish. Apparently, I used to play around more than I should that it would get really dirty. “You used to feel hot and take it off and go home without it, but wear it the next day. You were very young. I did not want to say no to you. I wanted you to find your way on your own. I wanted you to love it on your own and embrace it entirely when your right time comes”. I remember, partially, about those days. When I was in the seventh grade, I wore it and that time was forever – until this day, at least and in shaa Allah until I die.
Taking your identity and who you are a step forward is never easy. Sometimes we need to fall few times until we are entirely able to make it to the other side. I have been considering wearing a niqab for around 3-4 years (I know, that long?) The thing about niqab that is different from hijab is that with hijab I had my chance as a child, not obliged yet to wear one, to try it on and off multiple times. To create a bond with it. To love it and to be its friend. To hold on to it so tight. Now, however, once I wear the niqab, there is no going back. My relationship with niqab has to be established before actual bonding with it. 3 to 4 years of thinking are not long when you are making such a huge step in your life. With devoted looks come the need for greater inner devotion.
Why the niqab?
I don’t feel that my hijab is enough any more. I feel like there is so much inside me I want to upgrade; and for that to happen, I need to upgrade my outside as well. While so many misled people think hijabs and niqabs constrain us from who we are, the truth is that they actually help us explore ourselves within this black universe that surrounds us every time we get out of the door. Hijabs and niqabs do not limit us; they open doors for us – wide open. I want to be better and I know, from the very bottom of my heart, that making such step forward will push me to knowing more about myself and Allah.
I look around and see how many niqabis there are out there and feel so jealous. I wish I could be one of them. I want to be one of them. I do not know about their souls; however, for a person to make such decision and go for it. For someone to get up, buy a niqab, and do it, it must have taken them so much thinking and deeper believing. I have recently followed a page on facebook that is called “Wear it and don’t be afraid”; I have been following their posts and I have felt that they are messages for me.
Why am I not a niqabi yet?
I already love it so much. I really do. I believe it is the right next step for me. However, I need to make sure that I am ready. The niqab is ready for me. I am just still few seconds on the floor. All I need is some little time so I can get up. Jump. And reach that level of bonding. Plus, as some believe that the niqab is a bonus and that it is not an obligation, it is going to be hard to convince the inner circle that surrounds me on a daily basis that the niqab is the right choice and the best choice for me.
I hope that my family supports me as they did when I first chose to wear the hijab. I hope they agree to let me explore this new world the way I want. I hope I am allowed to do what my heart has been clinging on to for so long. If there are some girls who make niqab sound like a bad thing, I would like to be the girl who wears niqab the way it should be worn.
I hope I become a niqabi, a true niqabi – one day in shaa Allah. Amen.